Youth

[steuard]

Yesterday, Kim and I went to her grandfather's 90th birthday party, which was in fact something of a family reunion filled (as usual) with people squinting at each other thinking, "Do I know her?" Not long after getting there, I was chatting with a sixteen year old cousin when we were interrupted by a middle aged relative. She said a few words to him, and then looked at me and asked, "So, is this one of your friends?"

I've gotten surprisingly much of that recently. A week or two ago, I was carded when buying wine at the grocery store. And when I saw Professor Su at a Harvey Mudd event not long ago he exclaimed that I looked younger than I had when I was in his class. I'm torn as to what to think of it. On the one hand, it's pleasant to know that I haven't lost that youthful glow. But on the other, there's always a part of me that thinks, "Hey now! I've got a doctorate in string theory and I'm a professor of physics. Don't I get a little respect?" I guess I'm a bit more attached to that whole "social status" thing than I like to admit. (I was also bit too pleased when I saw the New York Times survey listing the highest status occupations: 1. Doctor, 2. Lawyer, 3. Physicist/Astronomer. I seem to be a little vain after all.)

One of the most interesting aspects of the experience yesterday, though, is the way in which that older relative broke into our conversation. She broke in right in the middle of a sentence, as if her desire to say hello was obviously more important than anything two sixteen-year-olds might be talking about. I don't recall being particularly aware of that behavior when I was younger, but I'm willing to believe that it's common. And that bugs me. I've always felt that as much as possible, kids should be treated just like any other person. As it was, I felt distinctly like I was being treated as an inferior. (The interrupting relative seemed a bit contrite when I introduced myself, but for me that just underscored how little she had respected our conversation before she knew I was an adult.)

On the other hand, there are situations where a clear difference in age and experience is pretty important. My youthful look leaves me uncertain that my students will automatically take me seriously, for example. I'm still working on how to strike the right balance there.

Comments

[patrissimo.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I get that sort of thing all the time, even though I don't shave. Two masters degrees and a job at the top company in my field don't seem to have made much difference. For me it's not really a respect thing in the same way as you describe, but I'm not sure how to describe why it bothers me. I think I'm more looking for respect for stuff like being a parent than for my job & education.

[steuard.livejournal.com]

Now that you mention it, I suspect that once I'm a parent, that will be added to this list of "Shouldn't I be treated as an equal by now?" items. Maybe it's less a matter of wanting respect for my career and more just that my job and education are two of the most tangible things I can point to and say, "No, really, I deserve to be treated as a grownup!" I'm starting to think that in the back of my mind, I've had some little (ridiculous) assumption that there really was some line that I could cross after which I wouldn't have to "prove" somehow that I was an adult. That assumption is now being proven wrong: if I haven't crossed that line already (and if you haven't crossed it as a dad), then I'm forced to recognize that it doesn't exist. I think I've always accepted that intellectually, but it seems that I've got a little visceral emotional catching up to do.

It may also be that I only really started to feel that I had "come into my own" as a peer of the professors rather than the students a bit over a year ago. It was a fantastic feeling to realize at a physics talk a month or so before my own PhD defense that I had lost my reservations about interactions with the faculty. I hadn't really realized that I'd had those reservations to begin with, and then I found myself quashing an off-topic debate between a couple of senior faculty so the speaker could get on with his talk (which I doubt I'd have dared to do even a year earlier). Maybe after that I just assumed that an internal transformation so significant to me ought by rights to be obvious to everyone else as well. (And that event was, of course, closely tied to my job and education, perhaps explaining why those jumped to mind recently.)

And as I said before, I'm still disappointed that this nebulous idea of "adulthood" affects the respect granted to other people in general.

[patrissimo.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's less a matter of wanting respect for my career and more just that my job and education are two of the most tangible things I can point to and say, "No, really, I deserve to be treated as a grownup!"

That makes sense.

I'm still disappointed that this nebulous idea of "adulthood" affects the respect granted to other people in general.

Fortunately there are a few of us who believe in treating people as people from as early an age as possible:

http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com/

but it's sad that so many don't.

It's great that you are feeling more confident, that should at least ameliorate the effects of other people not taking you seriously.

[kirin]

On the other side of the coin, one can also often find some mental relief by hanging out with other adults who don't take themselves terribly seriously. Though I understand such situations might be difficult to come by in certain academic and business institutions.