Shifting memories

[steuard]

My earliest memory is actually almost the memory of a memory: my fifth grade teacher had us write the story of our earliest memories, and I've remembered what I wrote even as the memory itself became less and less vivid. I was three years old sitting behind my mother on her bike as she sped down the steep hills of our neighborhood, and it was terrifying. She went so fast, and all I could do was watch helplessly as she whizzed around corners and parked cars. I still remember the images and feel of it a little, but I know that when I first wrote the story it was crystal clear. I've often thought about that change and what it might imply about memory in general.

Flash forward to two days ago. While sorting through boxes of old papers, I actually found the fifth grade story itself. It was almost exactly as I remembered it, except for one crucial change: I wasn't scared at all. The story said a lot about how exciting it was, but there wasn't the slightest suggestion of fear or helplessness. Now I really want to know what happened (and when) to transform that memory from positive to negative. (For that matter, I want to know when I went from enjoying that sort of thrill to disliking it. And I wonder if the two are related.)

Comments

Re: Early memories

[steuard.livejournal.com]

I wonder if your fifth grade self relived it as scary but changed it for the teacher and/or any fellow students who might have read it?

Reasonable question. My first instinct is "no": I don't think I was the sort to cover up that sort of thing (especially in a school assignment: I took those things (too) seriously!), and my memory of writing the story doesn't include even a hint of embarrassment or of leaving things out. Also, my mother has said for years that she was sure I enjoyed the rides at the time.

One possibility I'm considering is that by the time the vivid memory started to fade, I had grown to dislike fast rides. So while the original memory was positive, my newly constructed "memory of a memory" was formed at a time when those experience would have been negative and picked up that impression.

As a side note, Kim and I drove through that old neighborhood (outside Omaha) yesterday along our drive home. Amazingly, the hills there are every bit as steep as I remembered.